“I’m a Horrible Tutor"

#1 First day with Boo: Jan. 24^th.2012 (3:15-5:15)

                I was nervous about everything about this service learning.  I was nervous about how to get to the place because I was taking the bus to get there; I was nervous about meeting a stranger and having to tutor the person; I was nervous about teaching or tutoring Language Arts.  I was SO nervous about everything honestly.  Despite all those things that I expected negatively, I arrived at the PLC safely and easily, and I was introduced to a girl named Gariuan in Ms. Scredan’s class.  I was too nervous at the moment to take some time and introduce myself fully.  We introduced ourselves VERY briefly and started working on her LIT10 right away.  I didn’t think that was weird or slightly rude at the moment, but now that I reflect upon it, it WAS strange. 

                She was reading Aneid today.  Well, she was almost done reading it when I sat down with her.  I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to be doing, so I just waited for her to finish reading the poem.  Having finished reading it, she started working on the test online.  At first, she turned around and asked Ms. Scredan whenever she needed help with either comprehending test questions or solving them.  It’s selfish to think this way, but I felt both awkward and ignored at first because she was not asking me for help.   So, the next time she seemed to be struggling with the test, I stepped up before she turned to the teacher.  Then, she started to ask me instead of asking the teacher.  I guess she felt too awkward to ask me at first.   We worked on several quizzes and tests today, and we got some of the questions that I helped her with wrong.  Whenever the tests/quizzes were graded and we found out that what I helped her with was wrong, she looked at me with a smirk on her face and started asking Ms. Scredan again.   Sitting there in that room for two hours was very uncomfortable, and I didn’t feel anything but sorry for Boo (Oh, she wanted to call her Boo instead of Gariuan). I was ready to end this tutoring hour and go home at any minute.  I just talked to my neighbor about my first day at the PLC because I had told her about this before starting this.   And, the first thing that came out of my mouth was “I’m a horrible tutor,” and “I felt bad for the girl I’m tutoring.”  Gariuan was not the type of student that we had talked about prior to beginning our service learning at the PLC—“the trouble maker” who shows attitude to “authority figures” and doesn’t care about school or learning.  She is, or seems to me at least, a very hard-working and studious student who cares about school and actually wants to get a highs school diploma.   The only problem was myself.  Everything was fine except for me—my knowledge, my tutoring skills, my social skills, and everything.    To summarize my feelings right now, it’s frustration + embarrassment + sorry. :’(((((((

-          9:30pm 01/24/12

"Thank you, Jin!" OMG!

# 2^nd day at the PLC (3:33-5:11)

                You have no idea how much I didn’t want to go back to the PLC.  Well, I guess you could guess it from the two weeks of gap between the first time and the next time I went to the PLC.  I was too embarrassed to meet Gariuan again.  Actually, I didn’t want to have to see her again because I was not confident about myself teaching something or anything to her.  

                Just as I (selfishly) wished, Gariuan wasn’t in the room today, so I got to tutor a different student named Ayla.  She needed help with Chemistry, which I haven’t even looked at for almost three years; however, I felt a little bit more confident with Chemistry than Language Arts although I’m an English major.  I know it’s ironic and somewhat embarrassing to think or feel this way, but this is how much diffident I am about English.  I’ve always had this mind that I’m not good at English in general because this is my second-language and just because.   

                Whole story in short, I gained some confidence back from today’s tutoring.  On almost all tests and quizzes I helped Ayla, we got 100%.  Because I needed to refresh my Chemistry brain, I watched the online lecture with her and tried solving the problems with her, looking up some extra information on the internet.   So, it was more like a study group than a tutor session, but anyway the result was better.  And, she told me I was pretty and “THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME! I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET A 100 WITHOUT YOUR HELP.”  My eyes almost teared up when she told me that, and I thought to myself “perhaps, this is what gets teachers going.” 

 

                I still had problems with speaking eloquently and explaining things effectively to my student, but Ayla seemed to follow me pretty well.  I don’t know if she was just following my explanations and my assumed answers because she didn’t know the answers herself.  I don’t know, but  it felt AWESOME because she respected my explanations and guesses, and most importantly because my guessed answers were correct!   After the PLC, I ran to my neighbor’s room and told her what happened today.  I was so happy, and my neighbor wanted to try out this service learning as well after seeing me all excited and happy.  Today was a very important day for me because it reduced my fear of going to the PLC.

-          Jin Kim, 11:00pm 02/15/12

Breaking of my armor of confidence

#3  Reunion with Boo!  02/22/12 (3:15-5:15)

                I went to the PLC feeling excited and hopeful mainly because I had a positive and encouraging experience last week.   Then, Boo was in school today, so I tutored her this time.  It wasn’t even the feeling of awkwardness between Boo and I.   Well, to be honest, I don’t even know how she was feeling because I was just overwhelmed by my feelings, which were intimidation and worry.   Our relationship was not better or worse; it was the same—the relationship between strangers.   She, again, turned to Ms. Scredan for help, and I had to step up at some point to turn her help toward me.   

                I tried to be more confident about myself tutoring her because I thought the reason I had a better, encouraging experience with Ayla last week was that I was more confident with myself.  However, it was getting harder to be confident as I encountered some vocabularies or terms that I didn’t know when Boo asked me for help.  When I seemed to be struggling to explain, either Boo asked Ms. Scredan again or I gave up and turned to Ms. Scredan for help myself.   It was pretty embarrassing for myself, but I laid it down and decided to study and learn along with Boo instead of trying to teach her.   I wondered if I had to study high school Language Arts before I come in here, but I didn’t know how to study for it or how much I’d have to cover, so I gave up trying to be a “smart tutor.”  Despite much of the hopes and expectations I came to the school with, I returned home with discouragement and low self-esteem again.

-Jin Kim, 6:50pm 02/22/12

Guilt and Resolution

#4 Tutoring in a LOOONG time 03/21/12 (3:03-5:15)

                I have never felt like I was an irresponsible person.  I kept avoiding to come to the PLC (mainly) because I felt uncomfortable with or rather scared of the whole service learning.  The routine was always the same, except for the one time when I tutored Ayla.  I come in to tutor and come out feeling like I’m a horrible and stupid tutor.  However, there was one thing that helped me overcome the fear of feeling insecure about myself—feeling irresponsible.   Because it took a month for returning to the PLC, my conscience hit me hard.  Even though I don’t have a set, timed schedule of tutoring like the teachers who are getting paid, I still have a responsibility of holding my student accountable and at least coming to tutor regularly.  And this feeling of irresponsibility was more overwhelming than the feeling of insecurity, so it helped me become internally stronger and try harder to help Boo.  

                I don’t think my speaking skills or teaching skills had a dramatic improvement through only four tutoring sessions, but there was an improvement in disciplining my mind.  I started to go over every question with Boo and tried to lead her to the right direction instead of giving her my opinions/guesses.   At first, I thought students would generally prefer getting the answers directly, but I started to think that they prefer getting the answers themselves.   They feel more confident and achieved when they are only led to the right direction by the teacher/tutor and figure out the answer themselves.  This way, I feel less burdened as a tutor as well, which DRAMATICALLY made me feel less pressured.   I think one of the important skills that all teachers should have is presenting themselves as intelligent and well-informed even when they don’t know stuff.   I think it is important to know how to help the students simply by rewording the questions in a brilliant way.  Then, teachers are helpful to the students even when they are not fully comprehensive of what the students asked, and they also get respect from their students.  

                So, the question left to me today is “How to make myself seem like I know stuff?”  It is not necessarily considered cheating.  I’d call it “leading the students to figure out the answers themselves.”  By changing my thought about the concept of tutoring or teaching, I took quite amount of stress and pressure off of my shoulders.  I am going to make sure to come to the PLC every week even if I have to force myself somehow.  I’m going to make my students accountable, and I won’t be an irresponsible tutor. Ever.

-          Jin Kim, 8:00pm 03/21/12

“The More, The Better Theory” Was Right!

#5   03/28/12 (03:03-05:15)

                Now that I think about it, there hasn’t been a time when I met with Boo for more than two weeks in a row (wow..).  If I knew that coming to the PLC regularly could make this much of a difference earlier, I would have definitely come in regularly.   The relationship between Boo and I has gotten a lot softer and more at ease.   Well, there are a lot of reasons that have possibly contributed to this outcome.  One reason is that I have met with her a few times now; I laid down my pride and ego and admitted my lack of ability and knowledge; I started coming in to tutor with the mind of a student or a co-student.  

 Interestingly, she started to accept my lack of ability as I accepted it myself.  Also, we would laugh together about it.   Since today, I think Boo definitely considers me a friend, rather than a tutor.  The pros for this situation are that I, myself, feel more confident coming to the PLC and that Boo and I both are able to work together on the quizzes and tests at more ease.   However, the cons are that it became more difficult for me to execute authoritative influence on her because I am perceived as a friend to her.  I’m not trying to be an authoritative figure in her eyes; however, I still want to have some kind of an authoritative influence on her so that it’s not weird for me to tell her not to talk about marijuana in front of me or to read the whole reading text before taking quizzes, etc.   Since we became more like “friends,” it became hard for me to give disciplinary words to Boo.  

Despite the cons that are now created, today’s tutoring session was satisfactory for me because, at least, I didn’t feel embarrassed or inferior today.  I was confident to have lack of ability because no one is perfect.  There are times when even the teachers are confused with what they teach.  I don’t have to feel stupid for not knowing some things asked by Boo because I know I would be so much better if I have the text read before the tutoring session or if I were the teacher having prepared for those texts  for years.   I think our relationship improved as my self-esteem improved.   No one is perfect; learning can be never perfect or complete.  

Oh, we read together some of the texts she was responsible to read for the quizzes and tests, taking turns, and it felt really good for some reason.  I don’t know about Boo (she probably didn’t feel the same as I did), but I felt the connection between us two as we were taking turns to read the text.   Maybe I’m weird.  Anyway, I think this is enough for today. :D

-Jin Kim, 10:00pm 03/28/12

Whoa! Different Side of Boo!

#6 04/04/12 (3:33-5:15)

                Our tutoring routine was the same as usual: reading the text together, my rewording the questions, and going over the questions that she missed at her first try.  What I remember the most, or what I was surprised by today, was the change of Boo’s behavior.  Because I come in to the PLC during the last period, which is not a regular class period, there are usually Boo, me, and sometimes one or two other students in the room.  There are usually Boo and me in the classroom during the last class period.  However, there were about seven girls and two boys in the classroom today.   There were some times when it was a little bit too hard for Ms. Scredan to get the students focused on their online work because they kept talking to each other and laughing out loud.  

                For I have only seen Boo as a quiet, hardworking, and dedicated student, it was quite shocking for me to see the once hidden side, or the new side, of Boo today.  She was also being very loud and laughing very loudly; she was so distracted that she kept going to the vending machine back and forth; she kept spitting her popcorns out of her mouth just anywhere in the classroom.   She is usually patient enough to read the text from the beginning to the end when she sits down with me and reads.  However, today was different.  She would constantly sigh and show her dislike to read; she eventually ended up giving up reading and wasting time, just sighing and moving around in her chair.  I tried to read for her, but it was distracted by other students talking to Boo.   After all, Boo didn’t get as much work done as other times.   

                If I were the teacher of the class and had the right to tell the students all to quiet down and get back to their work, I would have definitely done so.  However, because I was just a tutor for a single student there and Ms. Scredan was in the class, I didn’t or couldn’t stand up to tell the students to stop talking about pregnancy or preferring boys over girls and get back to work.   Ms. Scredan would join their conversation for a short period of time and kindly tell them to get back to work, but it wasn’t that effective.  All the students wanted to keep talking.  What would I have done if I were Ms. Scredan? I would’ve tried to quite them down at first, and if that didn’t work so well I would’ve let them have conversations and even a free time for about 10-20 minutes so they can tell everything that’s in their mind.  I wouldn’t allow that to happen continuously because then the students will take advantage of it without a doubt.   This is just my theoretic thinking of possible solution for such situations.   Anyway, I realized again that teaching a group of students in a limited space is a tough job.  Also, I learned that teachers should not only be prepared for the materials but also for the spontaneous outbreaks of distraction.

-          Jin Kim, 04/04/12 10:00 pm